A Charming Little Ceremony...

[Once again, the irreplaceable Amanda points us to bizarre virginity-fetish behavior, and the comments were simply not enough to hold my response. So, I shall expostulate here.]


As if the Purity Ball weren't enough, now we have the "Heart to Heart" locket,* a piece of jewelry designed to teach little girls that their sexuality belongs to Daddy--at least until such time as it he transfers custody of it to her husband:

You then explain to the child that you will hold the key to her precious heart until the day of her wedding. On that day, you will give her away like at all weddings, BUT in doing so you will also “give away” the key to her heart to her now husband. The key and lock are actually functional and your son-in-law will place the key in the heart to open it.

Inside will be a small note that had been placed in the heart on the day you made the covenant. That note can say something like, “I do not know your name or what you even look like, but this is my promise to save myself for you this day. Love, Melanie.”

Eeeeww!

Ick!

I truly hope this is not just me (it isn't). What is the deal with Dad's obsession over little Melanie's virginity? And where the fuck does he get off (no pun intended) keeping the key?

I mean, OK--I know how the thinking goes--children are foolish and continually tempted by Satan. God requires that Christians only have sex within hetero-normative marriage. Parents must safeguard their children and make sure they don't fall into sin.

I can get that. HowlerMonkeyBoy is big into fire these days, and you can bet your non-incinerated ass that I'm doing my best to stand between him and a foolish (and potentially fatal) mistake. I'm his parent. That's my job.

...except that I'm not giving him a little matchbox-shaped locket and telling him that he must swear to me and Ishtar that he will never, ever use matches ever until he's eighteen. With the subtext that he's a filthy whore if he gives in to temptation and lights a match or two. I have this wacky notion that a) he's going to experiment with fire no matter what I say, and b) I'd much rather be his mentor and guide than simply pretend it's not happening.

And one of the things that stands out here is that once again, it's all about Dad. Someone termed it the "Daddy's Li'l Virgin" movement. Ugh. At least if it were the Mom going through this grotesque little ritual with Melanie, I’d be less creeped out.

But the crux of the matter here is that this whole thing is about demonstrating--ritualizing--the idea that Melanie's sexuality is not hers to determine.

I mean, why don’t they just make it a little-bitty pair of handcuffs and be done with it?

“The key and handcuffs are actually functional and your son-in-law will place the key in the handcuffs to open them when she’s been a good little girl, or when he wants sex.”

The only way I could see this not making my skin crawl is if the husband came with a little locket, too (perhaps locked by his mother?).** But nooooo, all the “purity” bullshit is heaped on the girls.

How, how, how does this not scream “A woman’s sexuality is the exclusive property of her husband who purchased it from her father” to every intelligent being on the planet? I mean, we are talking about a literal lock and key, here, for Athena's sake.

Ugh.

Now, I'm fully aware that there are things that you tell kids it's just not OK for them to do--EvilGeniusGirl may not stay at home alone when we're gone for the night. HowlerMonkeyBoy may not use the circular saw.

But there comes a time when EvilGeniusGirl will be old enough to stay at home alone, and there will come a time (I hope to Hecate) when HowlerMonkeyBoy is old enough to use the circular saw. And while the Heart to Heart idea does suppose that Melanie will one day be old enough to choose to behave sexually, it includes the idea that God and her Father have already made the choice for her.

So, before anyone comes down on me for mocking people's beliefs and their right to instill them in their child, let me be clear--I'm not saying that abstinence until marriage is icky, or that it's inherently a bad idea. I'm saying that it ought to be a choice, and the whole purpose of this exercise to tell Melanie that she has no choice.

And, yes, I realize that the Heart to Heart locket is supposed to symbolize a covenant between Dad, God and Melanie, but guess the fuck what--God and Dad have already made up their minds, and unless Melanie is a total masochist or has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, you can bet your last latex that she's going to say, "Yes, Daddy" no matter what she's really thinking.

So, what I keep coming back to is not the lock or the key. No, I think they are actually kinda cool symbols for protecting something that's precious to you--and I think that a child's developing sexuality is a precious thing to be protected.

The problem I have with it is that the key goes with Dad, and that at some point, he will pass it along to another man, completely bypassing Melanie in the process!

Is that clear enough? There is a key to Melanie’s "heart" (used here as a particularly confusing euphemism for "virginity"), and at no point is it ever in her possession. It goes directly from one man to another.

If that doesn't raise a red flag for anyone who thinks that women deserve ownership of their own sexualities, then I don't know what the fuck will.

So here's my modest proposal. What if Melanie got a little locket with a little key, but this time the patter went something like this:

“Here is you little heart locket, Honey. And now I’m going to lock it with this key, and then I’m going to give the key to you, because it’s your body and it’s your sexuality, and you are the only person who is allowed to hold the key or unlock the lock ever, and your mother and I are sending you to Rape Aggression Defense so that if any over-privileged fuck ever tries to open that locket without your explicit and freely given consent you will know how to kick him in the balls and then break his fucking nose."

Now that I think about it, that might make a charming little ceremony…

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*It's about halfway down the page--just text search for "sexuality"

** javaphil, commenter at Amanda's proposes just such an item:

In the mommy box, young little Timmy may place his tool until such time as he decides that he will give it away forever to young Jane or Julie or Jeff (oops! how’d that get in there?)

The best part, of course, is that we have to have a symbolic tool (something with some girth, no doubt) for Timmy to place in the box, which young Jane, Julie or Jeff (him again!) will undoubtedly find useful after about 30 seconds on wedding night with young Timmy.