ACLU--The Christian's Best Friend

Yes, that's right, boys and girls--the Satan-Worshiping, American-Hating, Sodomy-Promoting ACLU is actually on Jehovah's payroll.

Have I lost my mind? Not at all. No, I just happened to be skimming their website the other day, and in and among all of their efforts to Destroy American and Force Homosexuality on Small, Defenseless Children, I came across a few of their less-publicized cases:

• September 20, 2005: ACLU of New Jersey joins lawsuit supporting second-grader's right to sing "Awesome God" at a talent show.
• November 20, 2004: ACLU of Nevada supports free speech rights of evangelists to preach on the sidewalks of the strip in Las Vegas
• November 9, 2004: ACLU of Nevada defends a Mormon student who was suspended after wearing a T-shirt with a religious message to school


• July 10, 2004: Indiana Civil Liberties Union defends the rights of a Baptist minister to preach his message on public streets.
• March 25, 2004: ACLU of Washington defends an Evangelical minister's right to preach on sidewalks.
• February 21, 2003: ACLU of Massachusetts defends students punished for distributing candy canes with religious messages.
• July 11, 2002: ACLU supports right of Iowa students to distribute Christian literature at school.

• April 17, 2002: In a victory for the Rev. Jerry Falwell and the ACLU of Virginia, a federal judge strikes down a provision of the Virginia Constitution that bans religious organizations from incorporating.

• January 18, 2002: ACLU defends Christian church's right to run "anti-Santa" ads in Boston subways.

Jesus-Jumpin'-Jehovah in a Jellybean, who the fuck knew that the ALCU was defending so many Christians' right to religious freedom? I mean, fuck--I'm a big fan of the ACLU, and so I assumed I had a reasonably good idea of the kind of work they did. But no. No, boys and girls, I think the above list tells us that there are quite a few Fairly Important Things of which your humble narrator was completely unaware.

To wit:

1. There are apparently not enough crazy people on the sidewalks in Vegas, so the ACLU made sure that Evangelicals got their licks in.
2. Ditto for Indiana Baptists and Washington (again) Evangelicals.
3. The Religious Right are not necessarily being hysterical and paranoid when they claimed that children are being punished for singing religious songs and wearing religious shirts to school. Looks like the Theocrats haven't cornered the market on Flaming Stupidity.

   Honestly. Who the fuck suspends a kid for wearing a "Jesus Loves the Little Children (but not the way Catholic Priests do)" T-shirt to school? Okay. I'm kidding about the Catholic Priest part--I don't really know what the T-shirt says, but whothefuckever decided to suspend that kid must have an even slipperier grasp on the 1st amendment than David Barton. Jesus, people--don't give the Theocrats any free ammunition, Okay?

4. The ACLU is in bed with Jerry Falwell. Yeek. My question? At the end of the day, who goes home and has to take the longer shower before they feel clean?

   (That probably sounds like a mis-guided slam at the ACLU--it's not. I just a) really pity people who have to find themselves on the same side of Evil, and b) I really enjoy the idea of Falwell coming home every night and crying tears of rage and frustration that he has the ACLU to thank for the continued preservation of his religious freedom).

5. Anti-Santa advertisements? Oh, fucking please! Don't you people have anything better to spend your time on? Y'know, like poverty, war and disease? My guess? Jesus H. Christ Himself does not spend time pacing the golden hallways of God's Corporate Headquarters wondering why his followers don't commit every ounce of blood and sinew to rid the world of the Satanic Scourge of St. Nick. No, I'm kinda thinkin' he's beating his fists on the floor and screaming "Will You Fucking People Listen To Me!! I said Heal the Goddamn Sick and Feed the Motherfucking Hungry!! Now will you lay the flying fuck off of Sponge Bob and Tinky-winky and go tell Jimmy Fucking Carter than you'll build a house for a homeless family with your motherfucking teeth if you have to because That's What I Fucking Well Told You To Do Three Thousand Times!!!
   

6. And finally, the most important thing that I learned from reading the above list is that I had fallen for the Theocrats' anti-ACLU hype just like everyone else.

That's right. If you asked me the ACLU's relationship to organized, established religion (not the marginalized stuff), I'd have told you that the ACLU smites them hip and thigh on a regular basis. That the ACLU keeps the Theocrats in check, and makes the world safe for Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Wiccans and Ishtarians.

But no. No, the ACLU is out there spending the money that Lefties like me have sent them to make sure that Fundamentalists can criticize Santa on the Subways, and second-graders can sing "Awesome God" in high-pitched shrieky voices to the accompaniment of badly-tuned elementary school pianos played by bitter ex-musicians who drink a pint of mescal every night trying to figure out how the hell they ended up as elementary-school music teachers instead of the next Iggy Pop or Joan Baez.

So, why is the Right so damn good at simply repeating lies until they are accepted? Hell, look at the whole issue of WMDs in Iraq and Saddam's involvement in 9/11. The Ministry of Truth Bush Administration just kept saying these things, over and over again, long after they were proven false, and eventually huge numbers of Americans came to believe them. Shit--if the Iraq war were a bar of soap, we could sue them for deceptive fucking advertising. Every time someone says we're over there "fighting terror" or that Iraq is the "front line in the war on terror" or in any way links 9/11 to Iraq then they are advertising their product in a way that would get any corporation yanked off the air, and probably slapped with penalties, too.

Oh, geez: then there's this petition which I found via these charming folks.

All I can say is that if those idiots ever do succeed in shutting down the ACLU, I really hope they appreciate the bitter irony as they're watching masked FBI agents rough up reporters who tried to publish the story of warrantless searches on the ACLU-haters houses of worship.